6 Reasons to Swipe Left On Dating Apps

With work taking up so much time in the week that there is barely any time to make new friends or maintain a decent social life, more and more people are using apps and dating sites to seek out meaningful relationships. The problem is, literally anyone can sign up to an app — no social skills required. Consequently, there is a lot of chaff mixed in with the wheat. It has to be said: fewer and fewer guys on these apps seem to have basic social skills, let alone what it takes to build and maintain a healthy, functioning relationship.

In an increasingly lonely age, it often feels like online dating is the only option available to those of us seeking more meaningful romantic connections. And as a queer man, I have to admit that online dating often feels like the safest option, if not the only way for me to connect romantically with other alphabet people aside from the creepy old guy who lives a couple of streets down and keeps trying to ambush me in the supermarket.

Of course, not everyone uses apps like Hinge in the hopes of finding the one (an increasingly elusive concept), but that doesn’t mean that everyone is up front about their intentions, even when they know that you are looking for a relationship. It’s also important to realise that in the gay world, the problem of misogyny is replaced by issues of misandry. Some times it feels like the problems that women face in the heteronormative world are transposed and intensified in the gay community, as men reinforce shitty behaviour in other men, all in the in the pursuit of dominance or acceptance. Of course, this isn’t every non-heteronormative man, but it is a large number. The saddest thing seems to be that monogamy is fading further and further from the mainstream as more and more people feel the need to hedge their bets.

Here are a few red flags to avoid on Hinge, that should hopefully keep you available for Mx Right without having to spread yourself across a smorgasbord of losers.

Gaslighting

A big red flag is when a profile describes the need for a potential partner to be ‘chilled’ or ‘relaxed’ or ‘drama free’ — or anything to that effect. This technique, intentional or not, utilises the darker side of emotional intelligence, because no one wants to be labelled as ‘drama,’ and so in an attempt to come across as ‘chilled,’ a person will most likely hold themselves back from expressing when something makes them unhappy, or from doing what feels natural so as not to step on their partner’s toes. Conflict is an important part of a relationship; how you handle conflict as a couple says a lot about your dynamic. Feeling like you have to avoid a difference in opinion to appease your partner is not a good look. It’s also worth mentioning that the people who write these things on their profiles are usually the least chilled when something upsets them, yet super-relaxed about walking all over (or ignoring) your feelings and needs. The only good thing about these profiles is that they are upfront about their owner’s penchant for selfishness and emotional abuse. Swipe left.

Nude-ish Pics

Personally, the first thing I want to know about you is not what you look like without your clothes. There are certainly more important things I want you to know about me before the fact that I’m hung like a donkey. Why should intellectual stimulation take presidence over physical attraction, you ask? Because looks fade and bodies change over time. Nowadays most guys have a shit-ton of muscles for no reason other than vanity. But a good physique is representative of discipline and a healthy lifestyle, you say, surely more muscles equals more health? To that, I say it can’t be a coincidence that all of a sudden every other guy is built like Captain America while SARMs (non steroidy steroids) are also growing in popularity. A muscular physique can no longer be taken for granted as the result of great discipline, hard work or a healthy lifestyle. I know more than a few guys who place the benefits of physical appeal above the risks associated with taking substances that are still being researched.

The chances are, if your crush is flaunting their abs and bulges on their profile, their main offering is going to be superficial. Of course, there are some exceptions to this rule — if the person is mid-activity in their picture and happens to be topless, then fair enough — but oftentimes it is quite clear when the picture is taken with the intention of showing off that bod. In those cases, the visuals are intended to distract from a lack of substance while soliciting attention and investment that rarely yields a fulfilling return. Don’t get me wrong — not everyone can be an intellectual dynamo, and the simpler guys need something to get ahead. But if you need more than a pretty picture to keep you satisfied, you’ll probably be better off going with the skinny guy who makes you laugh. Don’t believe me? Try and engage Mr Muscle in a conversation that genuinely interests you on a deeper level.

Guys who invite you to start the conversation even though you led with an answer to one of their prompts

This is lazy and screams ‘chase me.’ At best, these guys are technologically illiterate and so don’t understand how to use the app (highly unlikely), or they’re shy (also unlikely considering the number of these guys that also have topless pics all over their profiles). The reality is, by ignoring your initial response to their prompt and inviting you to ‘start the conversation’ (I just did…?), these guys are asking you to double your efforts without investing any of their own energy. It’s arrogant and disrespectful — steer clear.

‘Open-minded’ fish

These guys like to ‘go with the flow,’ AKA ‘avoid commitment and keep their options open to maintain high levels of attention from multiple sources.’ They swim around with no particular end-goal, and seem to think everything will work out for them as long as they don’t try too hard. I’ll admit these are often some of the prettiest profiles, which makes it harder not to try and be ‘chilled’ in order to impress them. In reality, ‘I’m just going with the flow/seeing what’s out there, etc.’ are poor reasons for using a dating app. If you want to see what’s out there, look out the window. Don’t sign up to Hinge — an app that claims to be designed to facilitate meaningful relationships — and waste everyone’s time. In a way, it’s a form of gaslighting, because it sets the expectation that you shouldn’t seek any sort of commitment, and expect it to just fall into place. Of course, Tindr and Hinge love these kinds of guys, because they’re pretty much guaranteed to be long-term users (kerching!)

Of course a lot of the time the guys who want to ‘go with the flow’ are super-good-looking, which makes me think they’re confident that whatever they do, they’ll be able to score a hubby at the last possible moment and everything will turn out just fine for them. It’s all superficial, and these people don’t seem to place any particular value on people. We’re all just a sea of faces on a scale of attractiveness.

Instagram handles

Are you here to meet someone to grow with, or are you here to grow your fanbase? That’s what I have to wonder whenever I see that someone has posted their Instagram handle in one of their prompts. It’s kind of like posting your phone number on your profile. these guys are inviting pretty much anyone to become a fan, making themselves desperately available to anyone — whether there is an attraction or not — which wouldn’t be such a problem if the whole reason you’re on the app is to meet someone for a romantic connection.

I can’t help but imagine what their DMs look like. Shudder.

Guys who list their sex preferences in their bio

This might be controversial, but I personally believe that the conversation about sexual preferences can wait at least until a conversation has been struck up. It’s similar to how I think about nudes — you wouldn’t ask me to flash you under the table before asking for my number at a bar. I mean, in an ideal world every guy would be willing to compromise in order to preserve that special connection that got you together in the first place. If their sexual preference is one of the first things that they want you to know about them, it says a lot about what they think is most important in a relationship. But here’s the thing — I can promise you that after your first hip replacement, you’ll probably need more than sex to keep the fire alive.

Sex is an important way to express affection and release the poison that builds up inside the ballsack. But, in my opinion it shouldn’t be at the top of the list. My prince is out there looking for someone with a good sense of humour, a passion for food and strong communication skills. Sure, it means sometimes you might end up speaking to someone who it turns out isn’t sexually compatible with you — but is it such a bad thing to spend a little time acknowledging another person as a person? Is it really healthy to sort guys into ‘shaggable’ or ‘worth talking to?’ See above, where I spoke about issues of misandry in the GBT+ community

Takeaways

There are always going to be exceptions to the rule, and you may feel like there’s nothing wrong with the things I have listed. Of course, you could be part of the problem. The question is, are you guilty of doing these things on your profile? Or are you guilty of accepting these things on other people’s profiles?