How We’ve Lost the True Meaning of “Toxic” in Relationships—And How to Get It Back
October 20, 2024
The term "toxic relationship" is everywhere these days. But has it lost its real meaning?
We often hear people use the word ‘toxic’ to describe all kinds of situations, from small relationship conflicts to truly harmful things like emotional abuse. But are we too quick to call difficult relationships toxic without understanding what that really means? With some help from philosophy, let’s explore how we can understand toxicity in relationships better and learn how to build stronger, healthier connections.
What Is a Truly Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship isn’t just about having arguments or feeling frustrated sometimes. It’s when one person’s behaviour is consistently hurting the other. Here’s what to look for in a relationship that’s actually toxic:
- Manipulation and Gaslighting: This happens when someone twists the truth, making the other person doubt their own thoughts and feelings. Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre called this kind of behaviour bad faith—when someone lies to themselves and others to control them. Gaslighting is a classic example of emotional manipulation in a toxic relationship.
- Emotional Drain: If a relationship constantly leaves you feeling tired, anxious, or down, it might be toxic. The Stoic philosophers believed that relationships should help us be our best selves, which they called eudaimonia (you-die-MOH-nee-uh)—a fancy word for living a good life. If a relationship isn’t helping you feel good, that’s a big warning sign.
- Control and Power Imbalance: Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche warned about how power can mess up relationships. In toxic relationships, one person has all the control, making the other feel small and unheard.
A truly toxic relationship is like a poison—it slowly wears you down. But not every disagreement or bad moment is toxic. A lot of relationship conflicts can actually help us grow if we deal with them in the right way.
Why Calling Everything “Toxic” Hurts Us
Sometimes, it seems as if every bad moment is called “toxic.” Had a disagreement with a friend? They’re being toxic. Felt misunderstood by someone? Toxic. But if we use the word too much, it loses its power. It also makes us miss chances to improve ourselves and our relationships.
Think about what Martin Buber, another philosopher, said about relationships. He believed there are two types: I-It and I-Thou. In a toxic relationship, one person treats the other like an object, as if their feelings don’t matter. But if we call every hard moment toxic, we might miss the chance to build a deeper, more respectful connection. Buber believed that real growth happens when we face challenges, not when we avoid them.
Labelling every relationship conflict as toxic also stops us from looking at our own role in the problem. Another philosopher, Søren Kierkegaard, believed that to really grow, we have to face what makes us uncomfortable. If we just call everything “toxic” and walk away, we lose the chance to become stronger and better at dealing with tough situations.
Conflict Isn’t Toxic—It’s How We Handle It That Matters
Conflict is a normal part of any healthy relationship. It’s not always fun, but it’s important. Philosophers like Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir thought that relationship conflicts help us understand each other’s freedom and individuality. Disagreements don’t automatically mean a relationship is toxic. They can actually make us closer if we handle them the right way.
Aristotle, another famous philosopher, had a concept called philia, which means deep friendship. He believed that real friends help each other grow and improve. Healthy conflict—where you argue but still respect each other—is a part of that growth. It lets both people express themselves honestly and build trust. This kind of relationship conflict helps people understand each other better.
But in a toxic relationship, conflict never leads to solutions. The same harmful patterns repeat, and at least one person won’t take responsibility for their actions. That’s what makes it toxic—it keeps hurting both parties instead of helping them grow.
How Social Media Is Skewing Our Idea of Toxicity
Social media makes it easy to misunderstand what toxicity really means. We see posts and memes telling us to cut off the toxic people in our lives. But real life isn’t as simple as a tweet or an Instagram post. Michel Foucault, a philosopher who studied power and society, said that outside influences can shape how we see things, including relationships.
Seeing only perfect, filtered images of relationships online makes us expect our real-life connections to be the same. But healthy relationships are messy and take effort. Nietzsche had a concept called the Übermensch, which is someone who overcomes challenges to become a better person. If we walk away from every relationship at the first sign of trouble, we lose the chance to grow and make stronger connections.
How to Tell if a Relationship Is Actually Toxic
So, how can you tell if a relationship is really toxic or just going through a rough patch? Philosophy can help us understand this. Aristotle’s ideas about being a good person, or virtue ethics, tell us that relationships should make us better. A toxic relationship does the opposite—it pulls us down.
Here are some signs to watch out for:
- Repeated Harm: If the same problems keep coming up, even after you try to fix them, the relationship might be toxic. Sartre talked about being true to yourself, or being “authentic.” In a toxic relationship, one person might not be honest or open, which causes repeated harm.
- Gaslighting and Manipulation: Nietzsche’s idea of will to power helps explain how one person might try to control another by making them question their reality. This is what happens in toxic relationships that involve gaslighting.
- Power Imbalance: Foucault studied power dynamics and how they affect people. In toxic relationships, one person has all the control, leaving the other feeling helpless.
- No Accountability: Sartre’s idea of bad faith is about avoiding responsibility. In a toxic relationship, one person might never own up to their mistakes, putting all the blame on the other person.
Reclaiming the True Meaning of Toxicity
To truly understand toxic relationships, we need to use the word “toxic” carefully. Aristotle’s idea of eudaimonia reminds us that relationships should help us live our best lives. A toxic relationship keeps us from doing that. Not every difficult moment is toxic; sometimes, conflict is a chance to become stronger and improve our connection with others.
By saving the word “toxic” for relationships that are genuinely harmful, we keep its meaning strong—and we keep ourselves safe. Not every uncomfortable moment means you should cut off toxic people. Instead, those moments can be a chance to grow and learn how to handle tough situations better.
The Path to Healthier Relationships
Today, it’s easy to call anything difficult “toxic.” But as Buber, Nietzsche, and Aristotle remind us, relationship conflictsand uncomfortable moments are often the doorway to deeper understanding. Knowing the difference between healthy challenges and truly toxic behaviour can help us build relationships that make us happier and stronger.
Next time you feel like calling a relationship toxic, ask yourself: Is this relationship really hurting me, or is it a chance to learn and grow? By understanding the difference, we can protect ourselves from real harm while creating healthy relationships that allow us to become our best selves.
