Obligations vs. Going the Extra Mile: Navigating the Emotional Complexity of Relationships

When it comes to romantic relationship dynamics, there’s always this tricky line between things you’re expected to do and things you don’t have to do but probably should. This distinction might sound simple, but it can create a lot of confusion and frustration in relationships, especially when emotions are involved.

Let’s break it down.

Obligations: The Bare Minimum

Think about this: You’re dating someone, and you’re obviously supposed to treat them with respect, honesty, and kindness. These are the basics—things you must do to keep the relationship healthy. They are what we can call your moral obligations in a romantic relationship. No one’s going to say you’re a great partner just because you don’t lie or cheat—that’s the bare minimum. It’s what’s expected of you. In fact, breaking these obligations (like lying or disrespecting your partner) usually leads to guilt, hurt feelings, or even a breakup.

This framework of obligations comes from an understanding that a relationship is a kind of social contract—a mutual agreement where both parties promise not to harm each other and to uphold certain standards of behaviour. Yet, as important as these moral obligations are, they rarely define the depth or richness of love. A relationship without broken promises might be free of conflict, but it won’t necessarily be fulfilling. For true emotional intimacy in relationships, it often takes more than just meeting the minimum standards.

Going the Extra Mile: The Beautiful “Shoulds”

But then there’s this other category: things you aren’t obliged to do but that you should do to make the relationship thrive. These gestures often meet the emotional needs in relationships, like leaving a cute note for your partner, planning a surprise date, or being present when they’re having a tough day. These actions can speak to a partner’s love language, whether it’s through words of affirmation, acts of service, or quality time. You won’t be a bad partner if you skip these things, but doing them can make your relationship more loving, joyful, and connected, building a stronger emotional connection.

This is where things get complicated. In relationships, the “shoulds” can sometimes feel just as important as the obligations—if not more. And when they’re neglected, it can create tension, even though, technically, they weren’t required in the first place. But why is that?

The Philosophy of Love: Where Obligation Ends, and Care Begins

From a philosophical perspective, the “shoulds” represent the transition from duty to virtue. Philosophers like Aristotle believed that true virtue lies in going beyond the bare minimum. It’s not enough to do what is merely required; we become better, fuller versions of ourselves when we seek to cultivate generosity, kindness, and compassion. In a relationship, this means those little acts of care that aren’t mandatory but deeply meaningful.

Yet, there’s a paradox here. What starts as a genuine gesture can become an unspoken expectation over time, as if the relationship subtly rewrites the rules without either partner fully realising it. It’s a bit like how a beautiful sunset becomes less special if we expect it to happen every evening. The “extra mile” risks becoming just another part of the routine, stripping away its magic. This shift can lead to disappointment or even resentment—feelings that stem from the emotional ambiguity between what we owe to each other and what we offer freely. When these shifts occur, healthy boundaries in relationships become crucial to prevent misunderstandings and emotional strain.

The Emotional Fog: What Happens When Lines Blur?

The tricky part is that in a romantic relationship, the lines between what you’re obliged to do and what you should do can get blurry, creating an emotional fog. Here’s why this can be confusing:

1. Expectations vs. Reality: Over time, some of those “shoulds” can start to feel like relationship expectations. Maybe at the start of the relationship, texting “goodnight” was a sweet extra touch, but after a few months, it’s become an expectation. If your partner skips it, it feels like something’s off, even though there’s no real rule saying they have to send that message. This can lead to disappointment or even resentment—“Why didn’t they do this thing they always do?” In such moments, the balance between emotional connection and emotional labour in relationships becomes a key area to navigate.This speaks to the fragility of human expectation. Our minds naturally seek patterns and rhythms, and when those rhythms are disrupted, even in small ways, we feel a sense of loss. What was once a gift now feels like a duty unmet.
2. Feeling Unappreciated: Sometimes, one person might go the extra mile and not feel like it’s noticed. Let’s say you surprise your partner with something special, and they don’t seem all that impressed. You didn’t have to do it, but you did because you care. When that effort isn’t reciprocated or appreciated, it can lead to feelings of being taken for granted. Appreciating small gestures in relationships keeps them from feeling like obligations. This is especially true when emotional intimacy hinges on such efforts.This taps into a deeper philosophical question: Is a gesture truly kind if it expects recognition? Or is it only kind if done in silence, without expectation of reward? While these questions may not have easy answers, they shape the emotional terrain of relationships, where recognition can make all the difference between feeling valued and feeling invisible.
3. Emotional Pressure: When the “shoulds” feel like obligations, it can create a lot of pressure. If one partner feels they always have to go above and beyond, it might start to feel exhausting rather than enjoyable. Instead of spontaneous acts of love, these things can start to feel like chores, which takes the joy out of giving. Handling relationship pressure is about finding that balance between what’s essential and what’s extra. Healthy boundaries can be key, allowing partners to feel valued without overextending themselves. Here, existential philosophers like Jean-Paul Sartre might suggest that our relationships are a constant act of creation. We are always “choosing” how to relate to others. Yet, this choice can become burdened by expectation, turning what should be freedom into a form of bondage. When we feel like we must perform certain acts to sustain love, we lose the sense that those acts are freely chosen.

How to Navigate the Emotional Maze

So, how do you make sure your relationship doesn’t get stuck in this emotional maze? Here are a few tips to keep things clear and balanced:

1. Communicate Openly: It might sound cliché, but talking about relationship expectations—what’s essential and what’s extra—can clear up a lot of confusion. If something feels like it’s becoming an expectation, talk about it. It’s okay to say, “I love it when you do this, but I don’t want it to feel like something you have to do.”
2. Appreciate the Extras: Never take the little things for granted. Recognising and appreciating when your partner goes the extra mile keeps those gestures from becoming obligations. Even something as simple as, “Hey, that was really thoughtful. Thank you,” can make a big difference. Appreciating your partner’s efforts can prevent misunderstandings and foster closeness, building a stronger emotional connection.
3. Check in with Yourself: Ask yourself if you’re doing things because you genuinely want to, or because you feel like you have to. If it’s starting to feel like the latter, it might be time for a conversation with your partner or even just some self-reflection on why you’re feeling that way. This can be key to understanding your partner’s needsas well as your own.
4. Balance: Relationships are a two-way street. Both people should feel like they’re putting in effort without it becoming a constant source of stress. A healthy balance of obligations and extra gestures from both sides creates a partnership where both people feel valued. Building trust in a relationship means maintaining this balance over time.

Embracing the Journey: Love as Choice, Not Duty

Romantic relationships are full of emotions, and they’re bound to be complicated at times. Understanding the difference between obligations and the beautiful extras we should do for our partners can help clear some of the emotional fog that creeps in. Ultimately, it’s about creating a space where both partners feel loved, appreciated, and understood—not because they have to, but because they want to.

In the end, love isn’t about constantly keeping score of what you’ve done versus what your partner has done. It’s about showing up with kindness, honesty, and the desire to go the extra mile simply because you care. It’s about embracing the little “shoulds” that can transform a good relationship into a great one. And perhaps, above all, it’s about realising that in the mystery of love, the greatest acts are those that remain free, chosen in the spirit of care, not bound by the weight of obligation.