Why I Secretly Didn’t Want to Get Over My Depression

I’ve hit some pretty big bumps on my road to getting better. By sharing these deeply personal experiences, I aim to offer understanding to others on a similar path. Getting back on your feet can get real tricky, and it helps to know we’re all in this together.

I would like to start by acknowledging that, of course, depression can be caused by a number of things that can’t be mitigated. I also know, having been through it for a long, long time, that curing it is not as simple as knowing what to do and just doing it. Here are some of the reasons why:

1. The mind can be its own worst enemy when it’s trying to keep safe.

Your mind feels safer when your surroundings are familiar, and it’s not afraid to trick you in order to maintain the status quo. It fears change – and life brings the unexpected with each new day. Depression made me want to stop. Not just by making me feel low — there were a few added perks that jarred my brain even more…

2. Because leaning into my depression gave me control over others

Whilst depression made me feel powerless, I found that using the mental health card at work got me out of so many tricky situations that eventually I began leaning a bit too comfortably into my mental health difficulties, and unwittingly exacerbating them as a result. Needless to say, it was nearly another spiral and it took serious self-honesty to nip things in the bud and hold myself to a higher standard, once again.

3. Because I was blind to the idea that there is always another way

Part of the reason that therapists don’t just tell patients — point-blank, in the first session — that they are selfish/cynical/self-destructive, etc, is that oftentimes people won’t listen until they have reached the point of realisation themselves.

I used to scoff at the solutions and insight that other people would offer me, so wrapped up in my own experience, and so sure that it couldn’t change because as far as I was concerned, I was already doing the best that I could. Remember that pesky brain I was talking about earlier? Yeah.

4. Because my worldview was fixed

Imagine your life is a movie for which you are the writer. You don’t see the world around you as it is, but as you suppose it to be based on its relation to you and how you view yourself. This was my brain on depression.

There was a recurring theme to the things that made me unhappy; everywhere I went I would experience the same story with a different cast. I didn’t see people and events for who and what they were because everything was coloured by my own internal narrative which twisted my perception in order to keep me locked under.

After a while, it felt like I was flailing around, determined to point at anything but the real issue – which at first I refused to see, let alone address. So I focused on treating the depression.

But pain management is a band-aid, compared to dealing with the root cause. You might say it’s not easy to make some of the changes that deep down you know you need to make — and you could be right — but that’s exactly what your mind wants you to think, regardless of how true it is. Remember your brain trying to keep everything the same, because the unknown could be much much worse? It’s like refusing to go to the beach in case it rained, even though you’ve never been to a beach or in the rain.

5. Because I expected to be ‘cured’

Nobody else has the real power to fix a broken mind — except that mind, itself. Waiting on your therapist to define issues and suggest changes when you can already see the problem and the solution could be a sign that you’re not really putting in the work.

Going to therapy isn’t the same as doing the work in between.

I wanted to help myself, but I had to accept that there were ways in which I was holding myself back. But I realised it also meant that I had enough strength to push myself forward.

6. Because I was selfish

Now, it is 100% NOT okay to go around telling people who are suffering that they are selfish. But between use P: there is a symbiotic relationship between self-absorption and mental health. How you feel about you, what triggers you, what other people’s achievements say about you, why you feel how you feel, who’s fault it is that you are in the predicament you’re in — you get the gist. If you can’t get past the end of your own nose, how are you going to get all the way to a happy future?

Try including other people’s perspectives in your day-to-day considerations. We all have problems. We all have triggers. Do some deserve to take more precedence than others?

When I was at my lowest point, one of the things that always made me feel better, without fail, is when I did something that made a real difference to someone else. I didn’t care so much about myself, which meant I had no motivation to do anything for myself. But motivating myself to help others helped me, over time, to loathe myself a little lighter.

Closing thoughts

This list is meant only to make you think about how you might be able to empower yourself a little more on your journey. I used to get frustrated when medical professionals would tell me that my experience is not unique, but now I feel like I understand. Don’t get me wrong — the idea that your depression is not unique doesn’t have to mean it’s simple — but when I started to believe my illness was unique to my circumstances, I’m pretty sure that was the moment I started shutting out the world full of people who I could have related to.

I once told a friend that depression had left me feeling wounded. He told me that in his culture, wounds are described as ‘openings’ and looked at as opportunities. I found it completely inspiring; he told me that sometimes, pain can be an opportunity for learning and growth.

This article was curated by An Injustice! in June 2021